By Clare Ansberry
Mackenzie Thompson struggles with Thanksgiving following her parents' divorce last year after 43 years of marriage.
She's trying to figure out how to handle the holiday, which she often celebrated with them. She considered having dinner with just her husband and four children, but worried her parents would be lonely. Now Thompson, an only child, thinks she'll invite both and let them decide whether to come.
"It will be out of my hands," says the 42-year-old in Cincinnati. "I will have done the fair thing and invited both of them."
Rising divorce rates among people over 50 -- so-called gray divorce -- are complicating family holidays like Thanksgiving, normally beloved for its simple focus on food, gratitude and togetherness.
Nearly 40% of people divorcing are 50 and older, up from 27% in 2010, according to researchers at the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University, in Ohio. That's an estimated 710,000 gray divorces compared with 640,000 in 2010. Researchers based their analysis on the 2022 American Community Survey, the latest data available.
The rise is even steeper among those 65 and older, where the number of people divorcing has increased about 65% since 2010.
"Togetherness at Thanksgiving is no longer certain," says Susan Brown, sociologist and co-director of the center. "Scripts have to be rewritten."
While divorce is hard for any family during holidays, it can be especially jarring after long marriages when expectations, traditions and roles have built over decades.
Highly anticipated rituals of kids' tables, after-dinner walks, and storytelling about heirloom recipes can come to an end. Some adult children celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday with one parent and Saturday with another. Others try to eat two feasts in one day, gulping turkey and pie at Dad's before going to Mom's with hopefully enough room for more. Other adult kids assume their parents' role as host, welcoming everyone who can get along.
Marlee Blake, 51, is planning her first Thanksgiving after her divorce. To provide a sense of stability and family for her teen sons, she invited both grandmothers and will continue traditions of using family china and watching a Christmas movie after dinner.
She and the boys decided to alter the menu, though, which had remained unchanged for 20 years. They won't brine the turkey like her ex-husband did, and are adding a new side dish (lima beans!) and dessert.
"Thanksgiving was a really big holiday for us," she says. "I don't think it will be easy."
Carol R. Hughes, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in collaborative divorce, helps couples and adult children work out holiday plans. People can be amicable for shorter periods of time, so she suggests limiting gatherings to three hours.
Adult children who host Thanksgiving dinners can set ground rules, she says. For example: "If you guys can come and be amicable and not make Thanksgiving about you and your divorce, great. If you can't, please don't come."
After her parents divorced, Colette Fehr spent Thanksgiving with cousins and extended family on her dad's side, as she did growing up, with her mom's blessing and encouragement. Fehr says she was grateful that her parents, who were in their 50s when they divorced, didn't pressure her to be with one of them. Still, she felt guilty about her mom being alone and would rush to her mom's house for a second meal.
"I would try not to eat too much at the first meal so I would still be hungry," says Fehr.
Now a marriage and family therapist, Fehr encourages parents not to pressure their adult kids and to be flexible, designating another day to celebrate Thanksgiving or creating a new tradition, like going out to dinner or to a movie.
D. Scott Sibley, 43, his wife and four children often flew to Utah from their home in Illinois for a big family gathering with their parents at Thanksgiving. That ended when his parents divorced in 2015 after 39 years of marriage.
"There's a lot of loss, not just of marriage, but of tradition," says Sibley, an associate professor of family sciences at Northern Illinois University.
His parents' divorce was hard on him as well as his kids, who missed being with extended family and cousins. His immediate family will spend Thanksgiving at home this year.
His mom, Mary Christensen, 72, feels a different loss. For decades, she was the one making the plans, preparing food and having people over. Divorce left her feeling on the outskirts.
"You become dependent on someone else to include you," she says. "It becomes a burden every year to wonder where you fit in."
Christensen remarried this year and will spend Thanksgiving with her husband's family in Las Vegas. "I'm excited about it," she says, and looks forward to contributing sides or a dessert.
After her 30-year marriage ended a decade ago, Laura Stassi needed to do something different for Thanksgiving, one of her favorite holidays. She went to Iceland, where her daughter was living, and remembers eating a greasy, delicious breakfast by candlelight, listening to "(I've Had) the Time of My Life" from the movie "Dirty Dancing" on the radio. Stassi, 64, spent subsequent Thanksgivings at an Indian restaurant or eating turkey sandwiches with her son after running a race together.
This year, Stassi is spending Thanksgiving at her son's house. Her daughter, ex-husband and his wife will be there. It's the first Thanksgiving that Stassi, the host of the "Dating While Gray" podcast, will share with her ex-husband and his partner.
"Life is way too short to hold grudges, especially when a grandchild enters the picture," she says.
Write to Clare Ansberry at clare.ansberry@wsj.com
(END) Dow Jones Newswires
November 23, 2024 08:00 ET (13:00 GMT)
Copyright (c) 2024 Dow Jones & Company, Inc.
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