MW I'm dating a guy with $80K in student-loan debt. Is this a red flag?
By Aditi Shrikant
'I just feel like he has been out of school long enough and should have it paid down at least a little more'
"Is this something I can bring up to him, or is that rude?" (Photo subjects are models.)
Dear Dollar Signs,
I'm 32 and dating someone with a stupid amount of debt. I'm talking $80,000 for a computer science degree. Not a graduate degree, just a bachelor's.
He is 35 and lives in St. Louis, so it's not like we live in an expensive city. I think he has been out of school long enough and should have it paid down at least a little more. I had some debt from school, and have already paid it off.
How much of a red flag is his financial situation? We've only been dating a few months, but is this something I can bring up to him? Or is that rude? Or should I just end it?
Dodging his debt
If you're just starting out on your money or career journey and have questions about how to navigate your finances, we want to hear from you. Write to Dollar Signs, MarketWatch's new advice column, at dollarsigns@marketwatch.com.
Dear Dodging,
My suspicion is that your issues with this boy have less to do with his debt and are more linked to what you think it says about his character.
As I'm sure you know, the cost of college is astronomical. Tuition at an in-state public university is, on average, $11,950 per year, according to data from the College Board. The reality is that many people are in this man's situation - 43 million Americans have federal student-loan debt - and it's likely that whoever you date next will also have some amount of debt.
You should end it because you think that debt means a lack of ambition. While I don't think having debt is a red flag - the average student-loan debt balance is currently $39,075 - the tone of your letter tells me you think that he should be managing his finances better, and that you find it unattractive that he isn't.
If I'm misreading the situation and you do really like him and want to address this, there are tactful ways to do so. Focus the conversation on his money habits, as opposed to the debt itself, says New York City-based dating coach Grace Lee. "I'd look out for the coexistence of debt and spending patterns," she says.
Express that you're coming from a place of care, not judgment, and your feedback will be better received. (It will, in reality, be hard to have this conversation without him taking it personally.) Perhaps you can share how you paid off your student-loan debt and give him some tips about what worked for you.
But only do this if you really do like him and you're not prepared to give up on the relationship just yet. "The conversation about debt also implies this is a long-term relationship," Lee said. "If you're going to raise a question like this, you'd better be sure you're pretty interested in this person."
Radical honesty
The good news is he seems open to talking about his debt, seeing as he told you early how much he has. The not-so-good news is that this chat will be uncomfortable. However, if you want this relationship to work, radical honesty about issues that matter to you are important.
Come to this conversation from a place of curiosity, says Matt Abrahms, a communication consultant and lecturer in organizational behavior at Stanford University. And offer up possible solutions. "What is the feedback? Why is this important to me, and what do we want to do going forward?" should be how you structure the talk, Abrams suggested.
This could be saying: "It does concern me how much debt you have. I want to build a life with you and make sure we are in the best financial position possible to be able to enjoy each other. Maybe we can talk to a CFP about how to pay this down more consistently." There's no denying it: Inviting yourself into his financial life after a few short months of dating is a big step.
Another piece of good news is that his major lends itself to high-paying jobs. The median yearly salary of computer and information technology occupations in 2024 was about $105,990, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. As you said, he doesn't live in a super expensive city - rent in St. Louis is 39% less than the national average, according to Zillow (Z).
So, if he doesn't have any other significant outstanding expenses, he is well-positioned to pay this down at a decent rate. I'm not sure you're totally invested in this person. And this amount of debt will take years and years to pay off. You need to be in it for the long haul if you want to get so involved in his finances.
If you are already feeling weary of him or his finances, your issues may be related more to chemistry than finance.
Write to Dollar Signs at dollarsigns@marketwatch.com.
-Aditi Shrikant
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December 01, 2025 12:51 ET (17:51 GMT)
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