I told my boss I need an ADHD coach and his response was unhelpful. Can we fix our working relationship?

MW I told my boss I need an ADHD coach and his response was unhelpful. Can we fix our working relationship?

By Aditi Shrikant

'I feel like I'm just in shut-down and discouraged mode'

"I don't know how to deal with a boss who wants me to improve, but gets frustrated if I ask any questions." (Photo subjects are models.)

Dear Dollar Signs,

I'm having trouble with my boss.

My background is in partnerships and nonprofits, and I was hired for philanthropy. They thought my skills could transfer, which they can. However, my boss's feedback is always rude and discouraging. It has been challenging. There's so much jargon, and things are constantly happening. Everyone around me said, "It's going to take you a minute to learn." That first year, though, I had many moments with my boss where he seemed impatient with me for not catching on quickly. He told me to ask questions if I didn't know something, but when I did, he would say, "I feel like we talked about this."

In one instance, he asked me to do a task that wasn't in my job description. I made a mistake because I had never done something like that before and didn't realize it would be my responsibility. My boss came to me and said, "You know you only have so many tries asking people for favors before they won't help you again. You have to come correct. Don't waste people's time." During our midyear review, he told me, "I just feel like I don't know who's going to show up. I hired this really cool rock star, and I don't feel like that person is here."

'I suggested we get an ADHD coach, and he said we don't have the budget.'

Last year, when I told him that I have ADHD and anxiety, his first response was to tell me that the biggest things he wants me to focus on are long-term strategy and attention to detail. How comical is that response when someone is literally telling you that those are the two areas they struggle with? He clearly didn't care. I suggested we get an ADHD coach, and he said we don't have the budget. (I can hold myself accountable. I did start dating a guy who was a narcissist, and my world shifted a bit, which temporarily turned my priorities upside down. I was distracted.)

But it feels like my boss doesn't actually want to manage. He just wants to be called a manager. He doesn't want to deal with anything - he just asks if this is done or that is done. I haven't been put on a performance improvement plan or anything formal, but I don't know how to deal with a boss who wants me to improve, but gets frustrated if I ask any questions. I feel like I'm just stuck in shut-down and discouraged mode. How do I approach this and express my concerns without adding to the problems?

Down & Defeated

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Dear Defeated,

There is quite a bit going on here. Your boss is expressing his frustration in a way that wouldn't encourage anyone to work harder and could even impair your performance. At the same time, it sounds like you recognize that perhaps you haven't been performing as well as you could.

But the biggest problem is that you two are simply not communicating effectively. Not all bosses are going to be good communicators, even if you think it's part of the job (and you would be correct in that assumption). "You only have so many tries" suggests his attempts to help could backfire; that language is inflammatory and shaming at worst and unhelpful at best.

"This is clearly an example of an interpersonal dynamic that has gone off the rails," says Tessa West, a psychology professor at New York University and author of the book "Jerks at Work: Toxic Coworkers and What to Do About Them."

Good feedback is specific, actionable, and clearly stated. Telling you that you often don't show up as the "rock star" he hired isn't helping anyone. You may be digging a dry well by telling him you have ADHD and anxiety and asking for an ADHD coach.

"A lot of people have a tendency to divulge that health information in order to explain themselves, and we need to push that aside," West says. "We should not be talking about those types of things with our bosses."

I would suggest a middle ground. If it helps you, let him know where you need support and how he can help you (give you goals, for example, and/or a more rigid schedule). Disclosing mental health issues to a boss or HR is generally legally protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

It feels like you two are talking past one another. At this point, you just don't like each other, which makes communication feel even more caustic. To move forward, you need to have an honest conversation about his expectations of you and your work and about how you can better communicate.

You can differentiate between (1.) goals that you need to hit and (2.) responsibilities that you are expected to meet without necessarily checking in with your boss: "I want to find the line between circling back, asking qualifying questions, and, as you say, going over old material."

How to Repair Your Relationship

One remedy is to make "repair attempts." This term, coined by clinical psychologists and relationship researchers John Gottman and Julie Gottman, refers to a simple bid for a positive connection - a small interaction that reminds you both that you see each other as people, not enemies.

This technique is often used in romantic relationships, but it can be effective in the workplace, too. With your boss, a repair could be as simple as grabbing him a coffee on your way in or asking about his weekend.

It's critical that you feel empowered and see the difference between improved communication and unclear expectations or inconsistent feedback from your boss. You may have to "manage up" if your boss is lacking key communication skills.

When every interaction you have is about your performance and his guidance (or lack thereof), it's easy for tension to persist. Making an effort to build some rapport outside of work might improve how you interact about your role. After all, a manager affects your emotional state as much as a partner, according to a 2023 UKG study.

Next, you both need to sit down and have a candid conversation about what exactly he expects from you. Just because he seems annoyed when you ask questions doesn't mean you should stop; you just need to be more discerning about which issues you bring to him.

One solution, which may not need to be permanent, is to make a list of your tasks and achievements for the week, send it to him via email, and have weekly check-ins. This could help clear communication gaps and bring you reassurance.

"Don't argue about personality or management style or who is right and who is wrong," West says. "What matters is that she knows how to do her job, they agree on what that job is, and they both have what they need to get there."

You should also get clarification about which tasks he expects you to have mastered and which tasks he doesn't mind assisting you with or answering questions about. Be honest about your limitations, because if you don't know how to do something, it will be evident in your work.

It would also serve you well not to assume that he is trying to be mean or discouraging. When we assign deeper intentions to a person's actions, we might unnecessarily hurt our own feelings. He might simply be a poor communicator.

Lastly - and this might be the hardest part - you need patience. You're not going to mend this relationship in a week or even a month. It will take time for you two to learn to trust each other. If your communication improves, there is every reason to believe your relationship will, too.improves, there is every reason to believe your relationship will, too.

Write to Dollar Signs at dollarsigns@marketwatch.com.

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-Aditi Shrikant

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February 27, 2026 10:03 ET (15:03 GMT)

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