'He has never been particularly generous or nurturing'
"We're all trying to support our own children and grandchildren while also preparing for our own retirements." (Photo subject is a model.)
Dear Quentin,
I recently learned that an elderly relative in his 90s has declined cognitively to the point where a family intervention is likely needed. The difficult reality is that the rest of the family has limited financial and emotional resources. We're all trying to support our own children and grandchildren while also preparing for our own retirements.
Complicating matters, he has never been particularly generous or nurturing, and he has no spouse, children or other immediate next of kin. Several people have suggested that we simply let the situation unfold - that unpaid bills, creditors or Medicaid will ultimately determine what happens as his needs increase.
I don't wish to be cold-hearted, but none of us are in a position to take on the responsibility ourselves. His home is subject to a reverse mortgage, and although he can barely maintain it anymore, he may need to remain there for the reverse-mortgage terms to remain in effect. Have any of your readers been through a similar situation?
Are there resources that could help him without placing an impossible burden on us?
Onlooker & Family Member
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You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
To help him qualify for Medicaid long-term care, you must demonstrate a medical need, meet Medicaid's strict financial eligibility limits and satisfy the five-year financial look-back period.
Dear Onlooker,
This isn't an all-or-nothing proposition.
There's a vast chasm between doing nothing and spending money trying to rehouse this relative and manage all his affairs. The feeling of responsibility is probably rubbing up against your financial and personal boundaries. That's natural, but it is important to acknowledge why you feel the way you do.
Unless you are named as his legal guardian or medical proxy, relatives - even siblings - carry no legal obligation to provide physical or financial support for an ailing relative. Whether you feel a moral obligation is a deeply personal choice, but you should not conflate compassion with unlimited responsibility.
How would stepping back completely make you feel? Given that you wrote the letter, my guess is that you don't want to stand idly by, watching him descend into poverty, especially if he deteriorates further and is unable to wash himself, take care of his house and, eventually, even feed himself.
Gathering personal records
From what I gather from your letter, you are neither his child nor his sibling, so your responsibility extends as little or as far as you would like to take it. You'll be glad to know a lot you can do that does not involve dipping into your retirement funds, and/or redirecting valuable time and money away from your own family.
Here are some things that you can do: reach out to him, visit him, talk to neighbors, help him gather Medicaid and Social Security paperwork and bank statements, reach out to his doctor, and find out if he has a friend who holds power of attorney. If no one holds power of attorney, you could reach out to a hospital social worker.
If he does have reduced cognitive function, it may be that he no longer has testamentary capacity to sign legal documents, or a durable and medical power of attorney, or even a will. If he has not made a will, for example, it may be too late to do so now - though that is the least of his worries at the moment.
The more involved you - or any relative - are in this man's life, the less likely any bad actors will have the ability to take advantage of him. That includes caregivers, neighbors or even nursing homes. Typically, the state court - a probate court or superior court - has the power to appoint a guardian/conservator to look after his interests.
You can get the ball rolling without it costing you a dime. Any interested party - a hospital, nursing home, social worker, adult protective services, friend or relative - can file a formal petition with the local probate or superior court. The judge would then review his medical and psychological evidence with a view to appointing an investigator.
Medicaid assistance
Medicaid is there for people who have exhausted their own resources. To help him qualify for Medicaid long-term care, you must demonstrate a medical need, meet Medicaid's strict financial eligibility limits and satisfy the five-year financial look-back period. Ultimately, he should be placed in a Medicaid nursing home.
But first, you will need to provide documentation showing that he requires long-term care and needs help bathing, dressing and eating, among other essential tasks. A doctor's review will help. You can also put his documents in a safe place, ID.; verification of all current income, including Social Security and records of assets.
To meet the five-year rule, Medicaid generally requires five years of bank-account statements, reverse mortgage records and property deeds. His local area agency on aging, which can be located through the Eldercare Locator, will provide free information, application assistance and referrals to community services.
Take it one piece of paper at a time.
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-Quentin Fottrell
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