'I spend a lot of time away from my family and spend money on gas, taking him out to eat'
"He co-owns several acres of property with his sister." (Photo subject is a model.)
Dear Quentin,
I'm trying so hard to find my cousin a suitable/nice senior living place to live. He has no income and has come to the end of the money his parents left him, 15 years ago, to live on. He is physically fine, but has had trouble managing his life.
He co-owns several acres of property with his sister (who has plenty of money and who inherited most of their parents' sizable estate). She lives in a different state, which makes it much harder for her to help with his everyday needs.
She has helped a lot, but things weren't done in a timely way - that is, not anticipating his needs before he went on Medicare. He is no longer thriving living alone in a small cabin on the acreage they co-own.
It's almost too much work for me, even, but it would be much easier if he could have access to the money that equals his half of the acreage they co-own. Then he could move to the very good place (that I've found for him) until he "spends down" his money.
Then he would go on Medicaid and live in a studio apartment at the same good place I have found for him, which is not too far from where I live. I'd be close enough to drive to visit him and help him with things when needed.
She is behind the 8 ball, as usual, moving too slowly, and talks about moving him way too far away from me to be able to visit him very often. All of this should have been thought about long before now, but I wasn't privy to a lot of things.
Sadly, she wants her brother cared for, but seems to want to rely on me to do everything I can without paying for things needed - only things that she thinks are necessary. It takes me well over an hour to get to his place now, and I'm getting burned out.
I don't know how best to help without having my own immediate family suffer because of all the time I'm away and the money I spend on gas, taking him out to eat, etc. What can I do?
The Cousin
Related: 'I'm not interested in long-term care insurance': I'd like to retire at 55. How much will I have to pay for healthcare?
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
Your cousin's sister may have a vested interest in your cousin not selling this property or going to a Medicaid-approved nursing home.
Dear Cousin,
You know the old saying: There are no victims, only volunteers.
You have willingly decided to help your cousin navigate his retirement years, spend time with him by taking him for lunches/dinners and put a plan in place for him so he can live comfortably without running out of money.
At the same time, you have resentments towards his sister who you believe - rightly or wrongly - that she should pitch in and help. You believe she is reneging on her duties to her sibling, and wonder why she doesn't do more.
So I have two pieces of feedback for you here: first, if you do continue to pitch in with your cousin, do so without rancor. Spend only the amount of time with him, and money on gas, as you are comfortable with and as you can afford to.
These boundaries are yours to build. Your cousin will gladly accept the company and assistance you give him, but if you're doing this while quietly cursing his absent sister or your credit-card bill, don't do it, or show up only as much as you can.
It may be that your cousin's sister has her own interests at heart, too. Because she is a co-owner of the property, her financial interests and your cousin's aren't necessarily aligned. They very likely have different priorities and goals.
If your cousin were to die without a will, she could inherit his interest in the property. In other words, she may have a vested interest in her brother not selling this property or making other decisions that could affect the value of her potential inheritance.
Your cousin needs help, from a CFP or financial adviser or, better yet, free legal aid. In particular, I would want an elder-law attorney who practices in the state where your cousin lives to look at the property ownership, finances and government benefits.
Understanding Medicaid rules
The other issue: You feel a moral duty and responsibility towards your cousin, and genuinely want to help him. You can feel burned out and resentful, and also love your cousin and want him to be secure and happy. Both things can be true.
For what it's worth, Medicaid treats a person's primary residence as an exempt asset when determining eligibility for many Medicaid programs, although the rules vary significantly by state. Ask an elder-law attorney to review the circumstances.
As of January 2028, Medicaid programs will only cover expenses for long-term services and supports (LTSS) if the recipient's home equity does not exceed $1 million. There is an exception to that new limitation for homes located on agricultural property.
Co-owning this property with his sister does not in itself prevent Medicaid eligibility. However, selling, gifting, or in any way "spending down" your cousin's share of the property needs to be handled carefully, as that could come back to bite you later.
A transfer for less than fair market value could potentially result in a Medicaid penalty under the five-year look-back rules. Selling the property for fair market value would also give your cousin funds, which would be included if determining his eligibility.
Medicaid estate recovery rules would also allow the state to seek reimbursement for certain long-term-care expenses after your cousin's death. Depending on the state law, this could result in a claim against his ownership interest in the property.
Your cousin, I presume, has some Social Security, however modest. Social Security retirement benefits and Social Security Disability Insurance count as income for Medicaid eligibility, even if parts of that money are non-taxable.
You'll be able to help him better when you have all the facts.
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By emailing your questions to The Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on The Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.
More columns from Quentin Fottrell:
'We are committed Christians': Our son and daughter-in-law cut us off over politics. Should we change our $3 million will?
'It's the ultimate regifting': My mom gave me a house. Should I transfer it back to her to reduce capital gains?
'I want to do what is right': My father died without a will. His wife moved out of state - and left me paying the mortgage.
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-Quentin Fottrell
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